Lawrence and Brandon sleeping in their baskets up on the sofa in the sunshine

The human-animal bond and pet grief

There is research that tells us that the human-animal bond is, biochemically speaking, very similar to the bond between a parent and a child.   Oxytocin is released when we stroke and handle our dogs, the same chemical that is released during breastfeeding, hugging and moments of physical intimacy.  The depth of the bond increases with time. With our dogs though the intensity of the bond remains similar to a parent with a toddler or pre-school aged child.

It is also known that companion dogs promote physical health and recovery from illness for their human counterparts.  I don’t know about you, but I physically miss my dogs when I’m not with them!  This is nothing new, ancient burial sites, epitaphs and even the mummified dogs in ancient Egypt let us know that human beings have bonded deeply with their animals for thousands of years.  

The bond you feel often deepens to such a level during your pet’s early life that it becomes inconceivable that they won’t always be in your life.   But the reality of our life with our pets is that we frequently outlive them, the opposite of what happens most usually with our children.  We have this extraordinary bond and for such a short time that it can be hard to come to terms with how quickly they move from a young healthy adult dog to a senior dog.

When I lost our first dog there was nothing anyone could have said or done to prepare me for the absolutely overwhelming grief.   It’s not unusual for the loss of a pet dog to cause more grief than the loss of a close human relative, something which confounds many a human. 

“How can I feel this loss so deeply when I didn’t feel this sad when so-and-so died.”  

If you are supporting someone who has lost a pet there is great comfort in sending a card and letting them know you care.  Our vets did this and a few friends when Jess died and it really helped to have something tangible in the house when she was so absent.

Coping with the loss

  1. Give yourself time to process the loss.  For the first few days after we lost Jess I would just burst into tears spontaneously, while driving or when I was on a training course.  The waves of grief would just come crashing down on me.  Luckily most people around me at this time were ‘dog people’ so understood the crazy level of grief.
  2. Give your children and other pets time.   If you have multiple pets it really does help the surviving pet if they have the opportunity to process what’s happened to their old friend.  I brought Jess’s body home at the request of my daughter.  It was a crazy decision looking back as we’d gone to emergency vets in the middle of the night and left her body there.  I then had to drive back the next day and get her (practical tip, use a hard plastic dog bed for transportation).  Brandon went up to her body as soon as she was home a sniffed her, stood quite still and took a few steps away and lay down.  He’d had her as his main companion since he was a puppy.  Lawrence was himself less than a year old and kept frapping in and out checking if she was, in fact, dead.    My daughter who hadn’t really cried when I told her over the phone, but certainly did when we brought her body home.
  3. Have a ceremony, we had a ‘burial’ in the garden even though she’d been cremated and we all added a special gift a favourite toy, or in my son’s case he added cheerios as we’d had a running battle with him for feeding her cheerios under the table at breakfast.  We had the burial a few days after we’d had her put to sleep and this really helped it be part of the process.   Creating a memorial, a collage to a framed poem, a picture, a tombstone;  it will help you to have something physical to anchor your feelings

Sometimes the loss of a pet is … complicated.  Perhaps you’ve decided to rehome them or perhaps you’ve faced the decision to have them put to sleep.   Re-homing or having a pet put to sleep can leave you questioning yourself for some time afterwards.  But all you can do is make the best decision you can at the time.  These complexities often leave us with unprocessed grief.  So, however this loss has come about it’s still important to allow yourself to grieve.

Since writing this article we sadly and very suddenly lost Brandon. He was a really good age for a labrador and I’m so pleased that he stayed active and healthy right to the end. He’d slowed down a lot in his senior years but still managed two walks a day and had great quality of life. So whilst I’m really glad he didn’t suffer, the shock of coping with his sudden collapse, the dash to the vets and an immediate decision to put to sleep on my own was quite traumatic. I wished he could have died peacefully at home. After he died I took the other two dogs in to say their goodbyes, Annie totally unaware and tried to play with him, but Lawrence the labrador knew what was going on very quickly and whined to leave. I cried often in the first few days and even in the weeks that followed a new wave of grief would still hit me out of the blue.

We are still in the first few weeks and Lawrence the labrador seems unsure of how to be in his world without his lifelong companion. He is now trying behaviours like choosing not to get out of the car for a walk or training which he’d never done previously but which Brandon had done during his last few months as if he’s trying to fill a gap. Lawrence has been off his food too and restless. He used to enjoy sunbathing in the garden with Brandon, so he’ll go out in the garden and try it, but look uncomfortable and come in again. I’m glad he has Annie for walks and playing but I don’t think it reduces his loss. I’ve kept Brandon’s collar and Lawrence does still smell it.

Emma Aug 2022

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….